• Got married to Anna E. Paone in late September. It was a fun, rollicking time. Happiest day of my life. Luckily, the party didn’t stop that night. Our honeymoon was a month after the fact. We’re planning on going to India sometime in 2020 but we wanted something soon after to whet our post-wedding appetite. The two of us decided on a cruise because it seemed like relatively little planning (the cruise literally has an app with an itinerary on it for you), relaxing and you can hit multiple destinations on one trip. This is a quick account of what going on a cruise in 2019 is like. Feel free to read. If this feels classist in any way, please know that it’s not! I’m not bragging about going on a cruise- they’re pretty affordable actually when you get down to all the amenities that come with your room and board- I just want people to know about it and know what the experience is like. That’s all. This is a light travelogue; like an Amazon review but longer and with bullet points and anecdotes. You’re still reading? Sick.
• One of the best parts of a cruise is you don’t REALLY need to be anywhere at any given time. It always made me laugh to see people walk with purpose on the ship. Like, bro. You’re going to be late to a free throw contest (which was outside on the windiest part of the ship)? No big. I digress. In any event, like I said, you don’t have to be anywhere. You can finally sleep in guilt free. There was no alarm clock, light source or anything in our room. We HAD no idea what time it was at any given time which was such a blessing. Oversleeping wasn’t met with frantic delirium; more just like a, “Hell yeah, I slept in until 10:45 and feel good about it). On the flip side, you may be awoken by the constant movement of hangers and drawers opening and closing (Anna noticed that’s what the sound was; I couldn’t identify it) in the closet because of the ship’s rocking so if you go, look out for that.
• The most obvious stereotype associated with cruises is that there is food and it’s free and it’s abundant. I’m happy to report, all of the above is true! On the Celebrity Equinox, they had four or five FREE places to eat:
1.) A semi-upscale restaurant called Silhouette with two servers who gave us detailed life stories about their children as well as updates on the cruise’s voyage (we also had a maid in our room that cleaned our space up three-five times a day. Unlimited towels. It was unbelievable and totally free of charge. We tipped her handsomely). Typical meals included steak (decent), chicken breast, duck. Always a bread basket with rotating dips, appetizers (escargot was an option) and dessert.
2.) A buffet called Oceanview Cafe that had a rotating menu so I made sure to check out all of their options before every dinner. Surprising variety of Indian, Asian and American food with fantastic fajitas and pastas. Ton of desserts but not much in the way of quality.
3.) Mast Grill was just a place that served burgers, hot dogs and fries all day. All free.
4.) A little health place that I didn’t catch the name of (never ate there since they had very limited hours for some reason) had fruit cups and tuna salad.
5.) Assorted dessert spots with gelato and pastries existed on the ship at all hours as well. Not a bad assortment.
6.) Room service 24 hours a day. Limited to burgers and cake and things like that but not bad for free at all.
On the flip side, they had true upscale dining as well with fancier menus. We went the final night and it was worth it. Better steak, better pasta, better bread baskets. They had a few variations on upscale ranging from sushi spot, Italian eatery, place where there are animated chefs on your plate (interactive experience that was crazy expensive and the menu didn’t look like anything special) and gourmet American. Do it one time if you cruise and you have $45.00 or so to spend.
It should be noted that if you want to drink on the trip, it’s $70.00/daily (WiFi is $27.00/hr and $55.00 a day; I didn’t indulge so I didn’t know what the charge was for the whole trip). The charges are nuts. Doesn’t make sense to me why they would charge so much for alcohol and just give us food for free. They had a ton of strange things that weren’t free and others that weren’t; I don’t understand their logic but it should be noted tangentially they also have AA on the ship.
• Got injured the first day on the trip with my bad knee (on my way to a hot tub to make small talk with old people underwater). Slipped at the pool and felt extraordinary pain. No need to worry. They have a doctor’s office on the ship. Many people’s injuries were slip related too and there were beers in the waiting room because everyone drinks all the time (suckers buy the drink package). The actual appointment with the doctor was underwhelming (a knee brace and Ibuprofen and a “Take it easy”) but they did send Anna and me a mystery bottle of wine and I deduced that they were hoping we wouldn’t sue (as minor as my injury was). Maybe it was related to us being on our honeymoon. I don’t know BUT they did call a few times asking if I was OK too which was a nice gesture.
• Another big part of the vacation was the visiting different countries aspect. We were mostly in the Caribbean Island so after we left from Fort Lauderdale (home of a Publix) we went from Puerto Rico (did an overpriced tour where we “made” mofongo meaning we mashed plantains) to St. Maarten (saw a “Star Wars” museum curated by an assistant makeup artist who calls himself the Yoda Guy) to Virgin Island (home of Magen’s Bay, the most beautiful beach I’ve ever set foot on BUT we had to take a mad scary ride to get there) to the British Virgin Island (just hung at a bar since we didn’t have much time there) to the Bahamas (swam with dolphins for $100/person. Worth it). There are excursions like swimming with dolphins at every destination but they are overpriced and can be a major waste of an experience in an island you may never visit again. Many of them were super Americanized and touristy but there were local charms when we visited grocery stores (my favorite thing to do in other countries- in Puerto Rico we saw Cinnamon Toast Churro Crunch). Also, the greatest part of cruising is definitely that you don’t have to go through customs or immigration every time you dock. You just show your board pass and you’re free to roam. *Miscellaneous note: We saw another cruise next to ours that had a water slide on the top of it and one that had a zip line. Pretty damn cool.
• There was a lot of entertainment on the ship and Anna and I attended pretty much every show they had. We saw two singers (a guy named Jesse Hamilton Jr. who was a crooner and murdered it with crowd work and a woman named Savannah Smith who was equally talented but didn’t engage the crowd in the same way), two comics (Rich Aronovich and Ralph Harris; both very, very funny. Honestly, tough room too as packed as it was; it’s a diverse crowd made up of mostly older people), Broadway type shows with musical medleys that were bizarre and not exactly my thing but still saw them all and a Beatles cover band that made me weep they were so good. Never thought I’d see the Beatles do post-’66 stuff together and it was awesome. On top of that, they had movie screenings every day. We saw “The Hustle,” “Aladdin” and “Where’d Ya Go, Bernadette” with like seven people at a time. No one was there for these screenings. Interestingly, we attempted to see “Rocket Man” twice and went to two separate screenings of it and it was “Yesterday” both times. Didn’t make sense. I asked the projectionist (dude who put the DVD in) why this was happening and all he said was, “Reasons, sir.” He didn’t elaborate.
They also showed trailers before the movie and one time it was just the trailer for the movie “Widows” on a loop. They weren’t even showing “Widows” on the ship.
Other more non-traditional entertainment onboard included trivia, a Newlywed game with cruise attendees (sexist questions were asked and when someone called out the cruise director, he said, “You need to drink more!” Anna wrote a strongly worded letter to the staff about this) and dances/silent discos/Halloween costume parties where the DJ played the same, inoffensive songs over and over. Makes sense. They want to please mostly older people who are there to gamble. Not gonna reinvent the wheel, I get it.
• Finally, with all the free time on the ship, I learned how to play chess with Anna (been putting it off my whole life since I didn’t get it when I was in Second Grade). I even won my first game on a fluke. Lost every other one. Also, played a ton of Scrabble and we even attempted a 550-piece “Polar Express” puzzle. We did not finish and many elderly folks applauded us for trying.
• Will update all comedy stories next week (what movie did I see on the plane ride? Tune in next week to find out) but I did want to put out into the universe that I have a weekly show called FREE FRIES (with free fries) starting this Sunday with Veronica Garza. Event link for it in the comments.
Come sail away
